you will never miss someone until you move away...

i didn't know it would be this hard. hindi ko pala kaya. for 1 straight week i was crying before i can go to sleep, and for 1 straight week maga ang mata ko.

eh engot kasi ako eh.aalis alis, tapos mami-miss-miss din pala sya.

ni hindi ako makanood ng commercial (e.g. camay, knorr, and sunsilk) dahil namimiss ko sya. pumupunta naman ako sa bahay nila at nakikipagkwentuhan sa nanay nya, nakoh, mas malala pang lungkot ang nangyari. magkwento ba naman sya ng mga kalokohan at mga sacrifices nya nung bata pa sya. gumala man ako, yung mga kasabay ko naman sa jeep na magsyota ang napagdidiskitahan ko.

gusto ko na bumalik. di bale nang lunukin ko yung pride ko sa trabahong iniisnob ko dati, di bale nang araw araw mabuwisit kay nognog, di bale nang hindi ako makagala sa day off, basta kasama ko sya. sa pagtulog, sa pagkain, paglalakad sa mcdo pag walang makain sa gabi, panonood sa pc dahil sira ang dvd sa living room, paglilinis ng bahay pag walang pasok.


bakit ganon, no? nung andon ako nag uumiyak ako na umuwi ng pilipinas tapos ngayong andito na ko gusto ko naman bumalik sa kanya. bakit kasi hindi na lang sila magkasama?

pero nung pauwi na kami ni carmen galing pedro diaz para habulin ang card ni yves, sa jeep, habang medyo umaambon, mga alas sais, at nasa dulo kaming jeep para makita ko ang streetlights, doon ko naisip, ah, eto pala ang inuwi ko. ang feeling ng maynila. maraming tao. kanya-kanyang intindi sa buhay. kanya-kanyang gimik. kanya-kanyang plano ng araw. maganda sana, kung may trabaho ka lang sana dito.

karamihan samin sa abroad, ang secret wish ay makapagtrabaho na lang sa pilipinas. hindi naman namin kailangan ng sobrang pera, yung tamang-tama lang pang-araw-araw, with matching gala sa linggo (syempre!)...kaso lang ang hirap talaga ng buhay dito e.

kaya kagabi, habang nakikinig ako ng home radio (o mellow touch ba yon?!?) sabi ko sa sarili ko, pakiramdaman mo ng mabuti yan, kasi matatagalan pa uli bago ka magpa-banji-banji na naman.

kaya eto, tawag na lang ako sa kanila para ipabook ako. 2 years na naman to.(syempre depende kung magreresign ako agad hehehe)...

2 years na pakikisama sa mga ayaw mong samahan. 2 years na pagsunod sa mga taong nagdudunong-dunungan.
2 years ng trabahong paulit-ulit. alang-alang sa kanya.

day 1 to day 2>>

woah!

i was too tired to sleep but too jet lagged to be sleepy. so with just 4 hours of short-lived joy sleeping im back up and running - taking care of things and talking to people who i didn't / couldn't recognize anymore;


• my brother who, from the shape i left him 2 years ago seemed like he was stretched bigger than me. and the voice!

• my baby cousin natnat is already walking!

• my family, all growing taller than me!


now that the excitement is over, i braced myself for not-so-happy talks i know im going to get from everyone.

my grandmother who always reminds me of our school debts, my mother and sister who are always bickering, so are my younger brothers.

only my half-sister remained innocently excited about me being here.


and the bills! why do they have that misconception that every balikbayan has a lot of money? sure, we have, but we're not going to spend it like it's the last day on earth because one, it isn't, and two, it is so hard-earned that it's isn't obviously logical to spend it unwisely. so sorry guys, i will never be as extravagant as the others but i will never leave without fixing the important issues first either, so back off, dorks.

long distance...

i hate hearing bambi with that lonely longing voice that he usually has when we're apart. especially now that im not sure when i am going to see him. next month or on my birthday. or next year. WTF was i thinking???

i told him to tell me if he can't take it anymore, and i will personally call my boss to regain my job there. heck, i might even do that before he does, the way i miss him... it a lot harder than before because we lived together for two years now and stuff are much harder to take when you get used to it. especially for him because he was left in our house. sleeping alone in our bed.

after he took me to the airport he went to their shop in al a'ali mall and fetched kuya dom and they went to the warbler. papa del laughed at me when i asked him "di ba maraming chicks don?!?"

but on our present situation it will be better for him to chill on places where he will not be sad, i can totally understand if he goes out every night if it is the only way to help him alleviate the loneliness.


he said it's better anyway. if he gets the job in UAE it will be harder if i was there with him in Bahrain because he can never leave me there. and we must be practical. the sooner we save, the sooner we go home. i have to keep that in mind before i go crazy missing him. it is so hard! i want to see him and kiss him and pull those little goatee hairs on his chin, massage him after a hard day's work, ask him to buy me ice creams and oreos...

okay, enough torture already...

june 21, 2005, 14:00, Manila

plane ride


since the take-off from abu dhabi, the pilot reminded us that it will be a turbulent flight, unlike the first one we had from bahrain to abu dhabi, coz we had a connecting flight. imagine arriving there at 11 your connecting flight is at 11:45! i thought i wasn't gonna be able to call bambi to at least inform here that i arrived safely... i boarded my stuff and asked the attendant if i could go out for just a minute to call. of course it seemed ridiculous, but i don't want bambi to worry, he has enough to be sad already. and with 9 hours of flight time from abu dhabi to manila it seemed like eternity and i will just hate myself for making him worry when i could have tried. and stupid me, the card i bought was too expensive for just a one - heck, less than one minute call to bambi. but there was no other choice anyway, they don't have cheaper card. and i also bought one from bahrain international airport and never used it much, too. i am like that sometimes - when i need to do something and i know i won't have peace of mind until i've done it, i have to do it at all cost. and bambi's peace of mind is worth everything.

so... after we ate, the slight turbulence happened every now and then that i got used to it and even convinced myself that it rocked me to sleep.

and you may never believe it but if you watch 'friends' you will never be bothered by turbulence, trust me!

bambi was right, im so glad he insisted to put the camera to my waist!





arrival


does it ever happened to you that things happen so quick and it seems surreal that it never registered to your brain? and then one day you'll just realize WTF was i thinking???


when our plane was delayed from the terminal because there was no vacant gate it seemed like it was never going to end, when you thought that the 9-hour flight was long enough already. the pilot was great though, he was talking to the speaker and apologizing to us all. plus the fact that he got us all safe after that bumpy ride.

then after going down to that infamous arrival gate it seemed fast-forward like > seeing my sister with my in-laws > drive home > greet everyone > give chocolates > talk > go to the mall > eat > go home > go to bambi's house to bring pasalubong > go to the apartment we are going to rent > go back home > open the box > talk > watch tv > sleep > wake up > eat >>>>.

departure: 20/06/05, 18:00

i know it's totally acceptable when you cry at the airport, but i still feel embarrassed when the moment came, so although it's breaking my heart, i tried to look calm as i turned my back on bambi... and i never looked back.

for fear of me breaking down.
fear of him breaking down.



it's still breaking my heart til now, and i still cry when i remember that lonely departure gate... now more than ever is the time when i wished i never left.

sunday, 1:12 AM

a very dear friend confessed of an unbelievable, unforgivable (to her husband, that is) unimaginable sin she made in her 30+ years of existence... she had an affair with another man, and when she means an affair, it means a full-blown all-you-can-think-of-it-is-all-that-there-is affair.

although it was over, what she did was way out of what i thought she was. i mean, she loved her husband very much, she always speaks of him, and if you have to think of someone who can do that, she may be one of the people who will come last to your list.


and don't blame me, i just knew it from yesterday when she called me. although, yeah, friends can blame themselves for not talking to her, i told her she has her own mind and her it was her own decision to begin with.


i don' know what to think anymore. everybody's telling me to come back and stay with francis because long-distance relationship rarely works... but, as francis himself always says, 'what about the opportunities that comes your way? shouldn't you grab it before it goes...'

love or career... you really can't mix them up, can't you?

i have learned to stop planning my life...

my last day (last thursday) was outrageous, if only all office days were like that:

everybody was running around, handing cds of staff pictures and smiling like it was the last day of our office hehe!


the position of the noisiest, most loitering person is now vacant, so they say... :)

but today was still like a reunion, some people who left some time ago came, as well as me and gemma, and we're all taking pictures of each other...


bambi and i are going to make a documentary of bahrain on monday, i hope we can wake up early to cover more spots as possible. the car we're paying BD50 a month is still with kuya paul (and it's pissing bambi off) so we'll just rent a car, and bring our video cam to film everything (or anything) interesting here.

if i can't blog over the next few days then this is probably my last blog here in bahrain. the next one will be from manila ... i hate it when things are unpredictable, but the way things are going, i might as well not have a plan..

right now i'll just be wherever God wants me to be, kind of like a free spirit, anywhere i could go, be a little risky and adventurous about life...

okay, so not risky. i have a back up plan (i'd die without one) : my boss' last words were, "if you ever, ever change your mind when you're already in manila, just email us and i'll welcome you at the airport."

(aaaawww...)

but good thing we were outside, so there were no heart-wrenching dialogues to be spoken (unlike with gemma, where both of them cried in his office haha)...


im gonna miss all of them, though... maybe i'll come back... maybe not. even me, i am guessing where i want to be.

and those i wouldn't lament getting rid off...

for the few months that he was born ahead of me, he is way too much mature in comparison. it makes our equation balanced.... he said i should be more practical and (you guessed it) mature when it comes to these things because the sooner we can save, the sooner we can go home and be together (forever), which is true... & it makes me more stronger each day that my flight comes nearer...

and all the bad things that will make feel justified about leaving:

the moronic local teenagers who looks like cave men who never saw a girl before.. each time a car full of boys pass by, they honk and shout and try anything to get your attention. it reminds me of stupid dogs howling and scratching themselves raw each time they see a juicy piece of food.

the ridiculous discrimination of insecure people who have the bloody guts to tell all expats to get out (yeah, like they can handle these all alone...) for some intelligent people of bahrain (few of them who are) are the ones who are hospitable, professional and educated enough to appreciate foreign work force, unfortunately they are overshadowed by thousands of illiterate minds too boastful to accept help.

overstuffed malls at weekend, what can you expect - they only have a few. and those ridiculously overpriced items. say, the bench store here sells pants for 12 dinars. that's 32.4 dollars! when you can buy it for P300 (on sale) when you're in manila!

lack of parks (trees also), road rage, 5 or more road accidents each day, those noisy chickens at our lobby, redundant newspaper, dust storms, lack of coffee in the office, selfish MPs, stupid judges who gives BD500 fine to singing girls on the street, but a year in jail to a person who commits rape (WTF!!!), and that money-making license industry (whatever they are called, IDC)..


makes manila look like new york city... really.

things i will miss in Bahrain...

days like these should be spent outside... unfortunately i still have to bore myself to sleep for 3 more days to finish my 2-year contract here...

my boss didn't take me seriously when i told him im leaving... he thought i was joking? the best thing with him, though, is that he told me if i change my mind, the office will be open arms to my return... my dear godfather in bahrain!

he's a kind man, in fairness, it's just amino whose freaky power trip caused 3 more employee to resign this week... ask everyone in this office and they will tell you that if that bastard resigns, they will gladly stay.

and to think the bastard offered the company to pay half of my tuition fee if istay when our boss told me he'd pay it full... aagghh, that's why i want to be away from here, away from his negative vibes. just thinking of his thick-faced deeds drains my energy... imagine stealling the BD0.600 mineral water when he has over BD600 salary??? and that's just the small tip of the thick black iceberg that's going to surprise you.



so as i was walking this morning & i saw the dried leaves on the pavement, which i love to stomp on each morning, i thought of the things which, at least, if not lovable, those things that have grown close to my heart...

like my friends, here in the office, gemma, who always listens to every employee whining at her desk. she's also leaving, both of us has our last day on thursday. greener grass on the other side, you know... ricky, who always scolds me when i ask for a cd; ghuloom, who is like a father to me; amal, always setting the a/c to the minimum temperature and torturing me haha; biju, who always reminds me of the salary that's why every single day that we meet in the hall i always ask when can i get my salary hehe.... tina, my eating buddy, remember the time when we ate at the back of Domno's with one whole pizza for just the two of us hahaha!; ate susan, my hair buddy; may, my punk buddy (remind me to ask you for help when i put that dragon henna on my back) oops, bambi might read this, sshhhhh...

and of course, the kindest boss you could ever have!!!


and the others who, at least, appreciated my creativity, noise and blaring music each day that i dragged myself to work...

and who could forget the eternal sunshine punishing us in summer and the bitter cold in winter that makes us snuggle in our warm bed for ten minutes past our alarm clocks...

my gorgeous mac and it's never-ending downloading and surfing activity..

my flat and the afternoon sun gazing at our bed each 3-hour-lunchbreak that we have...

the beautiful sunset each day... which i just saw maybe 5x in two years.... and the sunrise only once...

most of all, the love of my life... how could i do this to us.. whaaaaa!!! now im feeling bad about leaving....

it didn't get any lazier than this...

• tina gave birth to a bouncing baby boy last week,

• our wedding (to be held at the embassy here) was postponed because our papers are incomplete...

• my brother was enrolled even though i wasn't able to send money, thanks to kristelle (she has a new blog btw, look at the cbox) ...

• and im more nervous than excited now that i only have a few days before i go home.



okay, that's all, im busy!

i got a freakin' haircut (and didn't hate myself afterwards)

woah, after a long time i finally had the guts to go to sit on the execution chair.. that's what i call it. i more afraid of going to the hairdresser than the dentist. would you believe i only had 7 haircuts in my entire life?


so anyways.... as i was sitting on the chair i was thinking of how i would hide my new cut if i don't like the results, turns out i don't have to! he or she (help me decide) did it (not the way i wanted it) but the way i had it when i was in college, bambi called it the zenki look. so it made me feel comfy.

(and with my new glasses, my face looked thinner :))


yup, the eyeglass i've been running away from since high school finally caught up with me. i had a mild iris infection last month and i can't wear contacts for a week that i've been putting medcinal drops so bambi insisted i should order eyeglasses right away.

and that day, i was only looking forward to it because i was excused to go to work. then i hated it. but now i loved it, it goes along well with my hair, hehe!


*****

i tried not to think about my vacation, because the more i think of it, the farther it looks. i already have my replacement here and im training him on what to do, good thing he's also a filipino, so i wouldn't have a hard time explaining stuff...

*****

God gifted me with the answer to a problem i hadn't even anticipated yet... bambi will give me an ibook (it's not with me yet, but im sooo excited) before i go home, so i wouldn't have a problem doing projects once im in manila. isn't it cool to have an answer to something you haven't even asked yet?

i know im a very good person so it really knocks me over every time i get a blessing, especially a big one like this. i feel guilty for all the nights i didn't pray, all the gifts i didn't say thanks...

i wonder why im so blessed...


all i can do now is say thanks and try to be a better person. that wouldn't be so hard...


*****

i did taebo last week for four straight days but i still didn't lose one single pound. i even got heavier :0! i need to lose weight or else they'll freak out again when i go home! (the last time, they didn't recognize me. ugghhhhhh!)